Being a Mother

To be honest, I never thought it'd be difficult to make the decision to be a full-time mother. Given my natural tendency to go extreme (aka the "Go Big or Go Home" mentality), I've always believed that being a mom means staying home to take care of the kid. I always thought, when the day comes, I'd be able to drop everything at once without hesitation. It should be that easy, right? Well... now that I'm truly confronted with this possible reality, I find myself constantly experiencing a faint feeling of uncertainty and guilt: Are we going to be able to afford it with only one income? Is it fair for Bill to carry all the load on his shoulders?

Don't get me wrong; I understand and value the importance of parental interaction during the early stages of life. I'm not a hardcore feminist who lives to defy traditional gender roles, nor am I an oblivion idealist who believes she can do it all and do it well. I know it's a choice to be made, and the choice has got to be one way or the other (I'm not going to dump my kid at my mom's while Bill and I work). The problem is, I only know what I'm like as a career woman. As a matter of fact, I like the career woman part of me. Now there's a new role for me to take on, and to do that, I have to let go of what have defined me as an adult woman and what I've considered the vital elements of independence and self-reliance: a source of acknowledgment and financial freedom, both of which I've enjoyed since I was 20.

I think I'm just having a bit of jitters before taking on this new role. It's been helping, though, when I think of it as taking on a new job (from what I've heard and read, being a mother IS a full-time job).

A part of me is really excited about this new assignment as a mom. It's a whole new challenge and I'm eager to find out how I'd do. However, I'm also aware that it is a job that requires thorough preparation and frequent skill training. To compensate the lack of previous experience and suitable mentors, I've enrolled myself in a self-study program of motherhood. I've been reading baby books from cover to cover and watching "How To" videos repeatedly. Adrift in the hazy borders of consciousness, I rehearse in my head what I've learned in the previous lessons. In fact, I'm seriously considering getting a life-size doll to practice on (Okay, some of you veteran moms can stop laughing now).

I realize I've probably made myself sound like a freak, but I think it's important to recognize and address the control-freak part of my nature. Let me put it this way: I'm not going to sink into depression when the diaper slips right off as soon as I pick him up (most likely, I may laugh my head off and let him go butt-naked for a while before we try again), but I'd feel a lot better if I have at least some basic idea of how to put on a diaper before Bill has to hop over small puddles on the floor just to get into the living room when he comes home from work. The same goes with learning to breastfeed. I just want to avoid as much discomfort as possible.

Bill showed me our finances the other night to reassure me the length and "doability" of raising Peanut on one income. I have to say, I feel much better now and I'm extremely grateful that I have a supportive husband who's willing to take on the load (though he has also hinted his desire to be a stay-at-home dad). Who knows?! Maybe 6, 7 months down the road we'll switch so we can both have the luxury of experiencing being a full-time parent. What's important is that it's all good for the little one anyhow. He gets to have his mom and dad ALL to himself no matter who stays home.