Two-Week Progress Report
I started this post last Friday, and this is my 6th attempt to finish it. We'll see how it goes this time. I'm glad to report that Kai is able to sleep in his crib for a stretch of 2-4 hours at a time now, and most of the time, there seems to be a schedule we can follow.
The past two weeks have been quite a learning experience. The first week was tough. Though I felt this indescribable and unmeasurable love for the baby, I also felt distant... and almost scared of this tiny human being (that we made!!) who seemed so fragile and helpless. I watched how Bill handled Kai and, through practice (and there was a lot of that), I gradually gained confidence in the daily "must-do"s and know that Kai would not be harmed if I lifted up his legs with one hand when I slipped a clean diaper under his bum, for instance.
Aside from adjusting to a life with a newborn, there were a number of other things to deal with as well. If I may say so myself, I think I did really well with the recovery part. I was up and walking around the second day. What was different this time, however, is that hollow feeling inside my tummy post-surgery. Even though Shellee had told me about this feeling, I couldn't and didn't imagine how strong and weird it felt. Every time I moved, I felt like all my organs shifted their positions. That hollow feeling made it especially difficult to stand up. The second thing that was a bit of a shocker was my emotional hysteria brought on by the withdrawal of pregnancy hormones. The first "episode" was at breakfast the day after the surgery when Bill mocked the accent of a French person on CNN. I started laughing and it hurt so much to laugh, so I started crying. I didn't know what to do with myself because the intensity and effect of both emotions were equally powerful. I spent the next week or so having various "episodes". I was hysterically hormonal, I'm doing a lot better now... still a bit emotional at times, but at least not as hysterical, in both the crazy and funny sense.
It's taken me 12 hours to write this much, and I have to stop now. The little monster is still hungry (what's new), and autosave doesn't work for some reason. More later.
1 comment:
that hallow feeling was the worst. i felt it more after ivy was born. at first it was just an awkward space. i felt like my insides were slopping around instead of being held tightly in place. after 6 weeks or so, the hallow space became an emotional reminder of pregnancy and that had to be worked through. it's funny how none of the books tell you about this part.
i'm glad to hear that your baby blues is passing. make sure that bill knows all of the signs of PPD though. the next 3 months are pretty critical for you and your recovery.
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