Ninja MamaThree weeks ago, I started writing a post called "Motherhood: Get Real", in which I let out my frustration and disappointment with myself because of the difficulties I encountered with breastfeeding and being a new mother.
I'm sure all of you moms already know this: people and books can give you advice and warnings, but no one can prepare you for how challenging you'll find motherhood to be, how different you'll feel about yourself, and how you deal with these challenges.
Take breastfeeding as an example. While some women may find the physical discomfort unbearable, others (like me) may see difficulties with breastfeeding a personal failure that affects my "womanhood" in a negative way. Bill thinks this is overly dramatic, but so far what I've found to be most challenging in being a mother is to combat the feeling of totally incompetency. It's as if I were heading toward "Good Mommy", and every bump along the way created a dent on my confidence. I know... "You should never take it personally when the baby's fussing," you say. I'm working on it.
I chuckled when I read this in a friend's blog, "Guilt is the trip mothers take often." Dramatic? Perhaps. But the effects this tiny human being has on my self-esteem are pretty dramatic too.
Luckily, like most things in life, practice and experience usually lead to success. I've been a mother for almost 35 days now (that's about 420 hours of breastfeeding and 280 diapers, give or take), and things have gotten a lot better. Not necessarily easier, but I'm definitely much better at handling them. The things that used to cause me great stress and agony three weeks ago have lost their powers. Then again, realistically, it's more like they have been replaced by a whole new set of challenges that causes me stress and agony. Ha!
So yeah... I've completely lost track and can't remember how all this relate to Ninjas. Hey, at least the picture is cute! If you're wondering why I chose this cartoony picture, just try Google-imaging "female Ninjas'. None of the girls look like a mom, except maybe that I also often walk around the house half naked... so the baby can have easy access to his food supply (I believe this is a good place to stop now).
3 comments:
We're all Ninjas! Whether we're doing "great" or "not so great", mama's have to Ninja thru it! ;-)
ps. I hope you keep your curtains closed!
so... i'm afraid that the last sentence of your second to last paragraph will be the case for the rest of your mothering life. stella's nearly 5 and ivy's 3 1/2 and i find that i'm constantly switching out challenges and worries for new ones. i suppose the benefit is that it keeps life interesting, but it can feel very overwhelming. just remember that what you're experiencing today will be different tomorrow.
and hang in there. you're SO not a failure! kai needs you and bill- no one else can give him what you can.
xoxo
I also "failed" at breast feeding. No. It does not come naturally. I'm not saying it is NOT natural. I am saying, and after so many years I'm still trying to convince myself, it is more difficult than you'd thought. Even today, I sometimes wonder, "Is it because I didn't breastfeed long enough?" if one of them got sick or whatever. The pressure to stick with it also made the early days with my babies VERY VERY unenjoyable. I wish I could go back in time and stop driving myself crazy much earlier so I could have enjoyed my babies a lot faster, rather than a crying, stressed out mess, walking around with a breast-feeding attachment, half-naked with my boobs half hanging out all day long. I try not to think about those days, even till today, those are painful memories. All this rambling is to let you know: you are not alone in this.
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