Does Paranoid Schizophrenia Come With Being a Mother?

I know I've changed since the moment I found out I was pregnant. Physically, like every mother, my body went through the biggest transformation she had ever experienced during and after pregnancy. However, the human body is amazing in the way that all the aches and pains eventually fade away and all is left is the body operating without a hitch on autopilot. Take breastfeeding as an example. I'm now able to breastfeed anywhere in whatever position I please, and I vaguely (thank goodness for after-birth hormones that made everything a blur) remember how painful it was to breastfeed during the first month.

While physical discomforts are easy (it's all relative) to overcome, what I'm still having trouble adjusting to, or should I say accepting, is how I've changed inside my head. Simply put, I'm paranoid all the time, and I'm not exaggerating! Ever since I laid eyes on the squinting helpless human being wrapped in an ugly puke green hospital sheet, something was turned on (or something snapped) in my neuro-pathways and it turns my body into this ultra-sensitive adrenaline-pumped machine that is "ON" all the time.

I sometimes amuse myself by listing the similarities between me and Robocop. Upon entering a space (be it indoors or outdoors), a map of the place is composed and possible obstacles are flagged. My arms come up and stay close to my baby while my eyes survey the premises and highlight (make a mental note of) the anything suspicious. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? ......... Don't you?

A few days ago, Kai and I went to pick up daddy from work, and the three of us decided to go for a little walk in that neighborhood. When we made a right turn into a laneway, my eyes did a quick scan of the space: some pots of flowers on the sides, there are some noisy children in the small park on our left, a few adults and some old people but none looked friendly enough for me to want to hang out in the park, trees, buildings, and.... just like how it's done in movies, my eyes locked on "a target", a warning bell went off, and my eyes zoomed in on this "potential danger". It was a medium-size black dog that was walking the opposite direction from the other end of the laneway. In my mind's eyes, at that moment, what was approaching us was a diseased flea bag with sharp teeth that could potentially act aggressively toward us.

"So that's why you were pushing me to the side of the road," Bill chuckled.

Huh? What is Bill talking about? (hands on Kai's feet. raise arms. eyes on Bill) Wait! Where's the dog? (search dog) Okay, he has gone past us. (take a second look just to be sure he's not coming back) Okay, what was Bill talking about? (eyes on Bill. put Kai's feet down. arms relax)

You see what I mean? Paranoid! I'm easily freaked out, and I freak out just about everything... especially about those totally clueless ignorant people who exercise absolutely no social awareness when it comes to other people's babies.

Like one of the wait staff at the restaurant we went to yesterday. As soon as we walked in, she started mumbling, "So cute. The baby's so cute. How old?" We thanked her, grabbed a seat, and answered her question. Bill had Kai in his arms, and we were the only customers. "She may not bother us too much," I thought, "especially because Bill's a foreigner." She delivered our order, came back, and reached out her arms (she was talking to Kai), "Let me hold you. Let auntie hold you." Bill and I smiled awkwardly and said, "He's at the age when he experiences stranger anxiety...." Her eyes were on Kai the whole time and her arms were moving closer to his arms, "Oh yeah? So let's see what happens when I take him..." I watched as she took hold of Kai's arms. In order not to frighten Kai, Bill hesitantly let her take him into her arms. We both watched Kai as he looked at us with this uncertain look. Bill stood close to her. "So if I take him away from you, will he cry?" she said as she started walking away from us. She's taking my baby! "Follow her!" I said sternly to Bill, who was confident that she would not be able to go anywhere with him standing there. To my surprise, with my baby in her arms, that witch kept on walking toward the door with this creepy challenging sneer, "So will he cry? Let's see if he will cry if I take him away from you."

"That's it! GET HIM BACK!" I snapped at Bill. I watched closely as Bill took Kai out of her arms. My mind and body were prepared, if she tried to get Kai out of Bill's arms again, to grab her by her hair and slam her head against the wall . I'm not kidding. I was ready to act so violently toward this woman who showed her intention to snatch my baby. I was ready to seriously hurt her, and that scared me. Is that normal?

Throughout the meal, I had my eyes on her the whole time. My body tensed up every time she came close to Kai. When we were leaving, I saw that woman standing out front, so I told Bill I would carry Kai (and if she tried to do anything... ). We paid. We were ready to head out, and she said to Kai, "Wanna go home with auntie? What if auntie takes you to her house?"

"Calm down, Kate. Take a deep breath. She doesn't know what she's doing." I said to myself as we walked away from the restaurant.

Tell me I'm not crazy. All of you would feel the same way if you encountered someone like that, right? Will this fear or paranoia or ultra sensitivity ever subside? Will it ever go away?

I am incapable of chilling out, and this, too, is freaking me out! What do I do when he comes home with a girl and tell me he loves her? Will I feel like grabbing her by her hair and slam her head into the wall so she wouldn't take my son away from me? Is the look in my eyes gonna scare away my future daughter-in-law?

What is happening to me?