The Little Angels

You know, all they say is how careful you must be when taking care of
a baby. They make it sound as if all babies are born with warning
signs plastered all over their bodies: Handle with Care, Fragile, This
Side Up. They give you instructions such as Don't shake it. Don't drop
it. Don't talk harsh to it. Support the head. Support the back.
Support the id, ego, and superego. And always, always use both hands
and with a smile.

They also tell you how you might feel while taking care of a baby.
Your nipples may be sore. They may swell, chap, or even bleed a
little. You may not feel particularly desirable for a while. Your
shoulders, arms, back, and legs may be sore from carrying the baby.
You may have De Quervain syndrome, and you seem to be losing as much
hair as a cat shedding its winter coat.

What they don't tell you is that your seemingly harmless little bundle
of joy is capable of causing serious injuries. Their little razor
sharp finger nails can cut through the tender skin on/close to your
breasts like butter. They poke their fingers into your eyes, your
nose, or your ears as if it was their birth right to do so. They stuff
four fingers into your mouth, hook them over your lower teeth, and
pull. When you yelp from pain (or shock), they giggle. They jump into
your arms and knee you in the chest. In bed, they leap onto you and
elbow you right in the stomach. Just when you get all warm and fuzzy,
thinking they are coming to give you kisses, they slime your chin and
try to sink their teeth into it. If you happen to sleep next to a
baby, you may get slapped on the face in the middle of the night as
the baby switches sides, or you might wake up with a foot in your
mouth. Literally.

And when you gasp, moan, groan, or whimper because of the pain they're
causing you, all they have to do is look at you with those big,
innocent eyes and crack a smile that shows two, or all four, teeth
they have, and you forget... until the next time you're punched in the
face or kicked in the groin by what they call "your little angel".