Appy Moments

Last Saturday, I took you to Kitslano Beach 'cause the forecast said it was one of the warmest days we would have in the next little while, and it turned out to be just perfect for a day at the beach! We got up early, had breakfast, and were out the door by 9AM. Because of the previous few trips down to the beach, I was determined to eliminate the stress and frustration caused by trying to prevent you from jumping into the water. This time, we were totally dressed for it: sun hat, jackets, and most important of all, BOOTS, for both of us! We also brought a change of clothes for after we played in the water. Even before we headed out the door, I had it all planned out from beginning to end. I was very proud of myself 'cause Mommy was so well-prepared you could do whatever you pleased once we got there.

And you did.

You kicked sand around on the beach, invited yourself to destroy one of the towers of the sand castle a 4-year-old Chinese girl was building with her dad, ran fearlessly into the ocean, experimented different ways you could move your feet to create the biggest splash, and threw rocks and shells into the ocean. Except for the couple of times when you were dangerously close to the deeper part of the water, I didn't have to grab you or pull you away. We were so much more relaxed and therefore able to truly enjoy ourselves. As a water lover, you were having the time of your life! After you threw a few rocks into the ocean as we were walking and splashing water around to the next spot, hand in hand, you looked up at me with a huge smile. When I looked down and our eyes met, you said with all seriousness, "Appy!"

My heart ached a bit right before it melted into this pool of warmth that quickly rushed through my entire body.

"Mommy's happy that you're happy, babe," I said, as I tried to remember every detail of that moment. I want to remember it forever: the sound of waves crashing onto the beach, the warmth of your little hand in my hand, the color of the sand in the sun, your squinty eyes and that heart-wrenching smile, and that cute little baby-boyish voice of yours.

Today, when I came home from work, your face lit up and your eyes sparkled when you saw me. You ran toward me going, "Mommy~~~~". Then a string of sounds spilled out of your mouth. You were eager to tell me what you and Daddy did this morning. Once again I captured the moment in my heart and carefully stored it alongside the "appy" moment at the beach.

I want to keep these moment forever in my heart so I can visit them often. After all, these are moments that may never repeat themselves. Our relationship will change and evolve as we both grow older, and we'll accumulate different memories during each phase of your development. I know as you gain independence and self-confidence, there will come a day (sooner than I'd prefer) when you no longer reach up to hold my hand. There may be times when you don't feel excited about me coming home or when there are certain things you'd rather keep to yourself. In fact, there will even be days when you don't even want me around. And I know I'll be okay with that. I'll HAVE TO be okay with that. It's part of growing older... for you and for me.

There will be days when I may be mad at you or I may be hurt by you. There will be moments of weakness when I doubt myself as a mother. It comforts me knowing that I'll have these memories (and many more) to fall back on.

And I hope that, when Mommy cannot be there to come up with ways to make you happy, you'll be able to find your own "appy moment" in whatever you do. I hope that, on days when life seems so rough and happiness is so hard to be found, you'll put on a pair of rain boots, go down to the beach and splash water around. Hopefully that will bring a huge smile to your face. You'll look up into the sky with your squinty eyes and feel "Appy"!

Don't forget to bring a change of clothes.