Mommy For Life

We went to watch Jordy's first soccer game yesterday. Kai lasted about five minutes before he lost interest and wanted go to to the playground next to the soccer field. I left the baby with Bill, grabbed my camera, and headed to the playground. I followed him all around: I pushed him on the swing and taught him how to pump with his legs, I helped as he climbed up the side of a steep slide, and I pulled him up and dusted him off when he fell off the monkey bars. He had my full attention and, equally importantly, I had his. We laughed. We played. We had fun together.

I needed to be with just him. I haven't done that in such a long time, and I felt truly happy spending some quality time with him on the playground.

Kai and I have not been on a rough patch for the past 8, 9 months. Kai knows which buttons to push, and he gladly pushes them and watches me explode! We're so much alike that, since the beginning of the toddler rebellion, we've clashed and locked horns a few times. We are equally proud and stubborn, and we both refuse to be the first to back down. I'd be so angry and helpless because, when I see the little person with lips pursed tight and head held high, I'm staring at a pint-sized me. And how do you fight yourself? Thanks, Karma!

It certainly doesn't help when I'm, both figuratively and literally, joined at the hips with Wei. I understand why Kai gets frustrated and acts up as a result, but I feel my hands are tied. Weekdays are particularly hard to find even half an hour to give Kai my undivided attention. When he wakes me up in the morning, the baby's up too. Then it's breakfast and wash-up, all the while with the baby around. Then he's off to school for the entire day. If mommy goes to pick him up, usually that means the baby's there too and we usually head straight home. After we get home, I have to get dinner ready. After we eat, I can play with him for a while (usually with the baby in my arms) before I have to take the baby to bed. Sometimes giving him a shower is the only time I get to do something with him alone, but we don't get to do that every day.

"I feel like I'm losing him." I said to Bill. "In a way we are," he answered. "He's not our little baby boy anymore."

No. He's not our baby boy anymore, and one day, he's not gonna be our little boy anymore. He'll grow into his own person, but I will always be his mommy. A friend posted her 14-year-old, 6-foot-tall son's picture the other day. She wrote "My baby.... all grown up" in the captions. I stared at that picture for quite a while, imagining what it will be like when Kai's 14. I don't have a clue right now. The only thing I know for certain is that, 14 or 40, I'm his mommy for life.

I will still remind him to take smaller bites and eat more slowly. I will still buy or make the things he likes to eat. I will still give him the last bite of my favorite food if he asks. I will still value his happiness more than my own. I will still be eager to find out what's new in his life. I will still hope my hugs and kisses can heal all boo-boos. I will still lavish him with praises and encouragement because there is not a single person in the world as awesome as my son (well, maybe his little sister but she's mine too). I will have to be okay when my "I love you"s go more frequently unanswered. I will need to grow an extra layer of skin so that his emotional "I don't want you"s or "Go away, mommy"s won't hurt as much. I may even have to pretend to keep a smile on when he puts another woman's feelings before mine. And when he has children of his own, I will laugh (whether I live to do it at his face or not) and say, "Yup! Sounds about right. That's exactly what you put us through."

 

Posted with Blogsy