The Rant of a Schizophrenic Belly Button

Before we begin, I'd like the point out that, I, the belly button, totally disagree with what this title implies. My person decided on this title all on her own while she was in the shower this morning (and afterward, she spent a good 10 minutes giggling intermittently about her assumed brilliance). In fact, let's go back and I'll tell you exactly what happened.

Half-awake, my person stumbled her way into the bathroom, took one quick look at me, and started ranting about my indecisiveness as a belly button while she scrubbed the rest of her body in the shower this morning. Needless to say, I was totally offended, and I thought it was extremely rude of her to be talking to me this way. Not to toot my own horn, but I am, after all, the only belly button she has and will ever have in her whole life! Somebody really ought to remind her of that fact. Can any of you help me 'cause, with the way her body is right now, I can't see her no matter how hard I try looking up.

We belly buttons are not whiners. I mean, even after years of neglect and abuse, we generally do not act out and cause our people any pain or discomfort (self-inflicted pain and discomfort, such as the ones caused by piercing, is an exception). We're very content without constant attention. Let's face it: even the area behind your ears gets more attention than we do (have you ever heard a parent telling a kid not to forget to clean his/her belly button), and we're totally okay with our humble existence. Now all of a sudden my person pays close attention to me every day and thinks she can tell me how I should change simply because her obsession with my "outness" intensifies as she enters the last stage of her pregnancy. Like many other issues in life, I'm convinced that modern media and peer influence are to blame.

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Images of bare pregnant bellies in modern media often portray "popped" belly buttons, which in turn plants this idea that a belly button must pop in the last stage of pregnancy. However, like humans, we belly buttons come in all shapes and sizes. More importantly, as my person, she should simply accept the way I am and the way I evolve as her belly protrudes.

Look, the bottom line is: I'm unique, and she should not expect me to conform.

It only makes the matter worse as my person's man has become equally obsessed with my outness. At times when the thought of checking up on my "progress" escapes my person's mind, the man reminds her by dropping comments like "Oooo.... look! It's gonna pop out any day now". As far as I'm concerned, the man should devote more attention to his own lint-filled belly button, and maybe he'd be so busy pulling out all kinds of hair from his belly button that he'd stop picking at hers.

I admit that I haven't made up my mind whether to pop out or not. A part of me wants to hold on to being an innie for as long as I can simply to prove that point that not all belly buttons pop out during pregnancy. But then a small part of me thinks maybe I should just go ahead and pop right out just to get it all over with. What I do know, however, is that my person should find something better to do than to complain to me about being indecisive. I can suggest a list of other things for her to do or learn about. For starters, she should really learn how to properly clean her baby's belly button.