Our First Fight

We had a rough night last night. For some reason, Kai had trouble staying asleep at his usual bedtime at 9:30 and was super cranky. At first I thought it was gas, but it was soon ruled out after he pooped around 10. He wanted to stay on the boob, but since he'd been on the boob since 9, both boobs were pretty much empty. We tried playing for a bit, but neither of us was in the mood. We tried walking around and singing, but it only agitated him even more. By 11:30, I was exhausted and smelly; and so was he. And both of us were just. not. happy!!!!!!!

Desperate, I took him to the living room hoping a change of scenery would help. Well, it didn't. He was getting increasingly angry, and I felt like I was at the end of my rope. Of course, this had to happen the first night Bill's away. Self-pity invaded: "Boo-hoo~. Why me?", "Why can't my life be easier?" You got that?!

We went back to the bedroom and nursed for a bit. He fell asleep on the boob (finally). Relieved, I went to put him in his crib. His eyes popped wide open and he started screaming as soon as his body touched the mattress. He was looking at me with such rage, frustration and exhaustion. I didn't know what to do, and I was soooo tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired.

"Mommy doesn't know what you want." I said at my kicking and screaming son.
"Wah~~~~~ Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Wah~~" he argued back.
"Why can't you sleep? You always fall asleep at 9:30 and it's almost midnight now!!" I laid out the facts.
"Wah~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (sob) Ai! Ai! Ai! Wah~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ai! Ai!" he argued more.
"Oh stop it! You're not the only one who's tired! Mommy's exhausted too, you know? Would you please please go to sleep?" I pleaded.
"Ugh! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Wah~~~~~~~~~~ (voice breaking) Wah~~~~~~~~~~ " Nope! Mommy's pleading was not good enough for him.

Eventually I picked him up and nursed him again (boy, were my nipples on fire). He fell asleep in his crib around 12:20, and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I woke up at 3 and took a shower, nursed him again at 4 and we both slept til 8 in the morning. When I was changing him, I was overwhelmed with such guilt for being impatient with him like that last night and fear that I might have done some lasting damage to his sense of security or trust in people. After all, I'm the adult, and I have the ability to control my own emotions (I should, shouldn't I?). It broke my heart thinking how scared he must have been not knowing why his mom was so upset with him. I apologized ferociously and promised I'd try my best not to lose my temper so easily ever again.

Kai looked straight in my eyes, let out a couple of big farts, and gave me a smile as bright as the sun. "That's what I have to say about that, mommy" I swear I heard him say.