Anal Government Service & Potty-Training Advice

Took Kai to apply for his Canadian passport this morning and, of course, it's never as easy as a one-stop service. Apparently we can't prove our Canadian-ness with *only* my Canadian citizenship card, Kai's Canadian citizenship card, and my Canadian passport. Moreover, just because I was able to provide Kai's birth certificates in both Chinese and English and Kai's name is on them under "Name of Child" and mine under "Name of Mother" didn't mean that I am indeed his mother and he's my son. No~~~ We have to find a guarantor who is either a judge, lawyer, doctor, or dentist and has known ME for at least 2 years to sign on Kai's application form and photos to prove that this is indeed my child.

"There are alternatives, of course," the nice lady at the Canadian Trade Office said (of course she's nice. She works for the Canadian government).

"Yeah?" Anything to avoid making a trip here in the pouring rain with Kai strapped on me, again.

"I can provide notary service right here right now. All you need to provide are your work history in the last five years and 2 names of referees that I can call to verify your identity."

That sounds easy enough. "And then you can process Kai's passport application today?" I had to be sure.

"Yes. And that will be NT$1,400 extra, so it will be $1,950 total." Oh, I felt so naive for not seeing this coming.

Seeing that I wasn't interested, the nice lady tried to be helpful. "Well, the reason you need a guarantor is that you're applying for a regular passport, which is NT$550...."

"Regular passport.... Are there special passports for special people?" It probably wasn't a good idea to be a smart mouth in front of a government employee. Thank goodness she works for the Canadian government. Us Canadians are known to be really nice with a great sense of humor after all. I'd never dare to do this if we were at AIT (American Institute in Taiwan). They'd probably throw me out to the street and put me on the Black List. However, just to be sure that she understood I was joking, I gave her a big teethful grin.

"There's another way." she answered cheerfully. "I see that you brought your tickets here today. You can apply for a temporary 2-year passport right now." And I see that they trained you very well, nice lady.

"And how much is that gonna cost?" What can I say? I'm a fast learner.

"That's NT$2,000 extra, so it will be $2,550 total." No shame!! More money. It's all money money money!

Looks like I'm going to go back to the CTOT in the pouring rain with Kai strapped on me again next week (forecast calls for monsoon rain from now until next Thursday. Yipee!!!)

So I'm getting Dr. Liu to be the guarantor. He's been my OB/GYN for the last 4 years, and he was the one that pulled Kai out of my tummy. He's perfect for the job.

On the way back, we got this really chatty cab driver who, after learning how old Kai is, asked, "Have you started potty training him yet?"

What? "He's only 8 months old..." I said again.

"Yeah, and it's already late! We started potty training our kids when they were 3 or 4 months old. Here's how you do it: every morning, one hour after breakfast, you lay newspaper on the floor in front of the TV and hold your son by the back of his knees over the newspaper. So it's kind of like he's squatting in the air...." he described with his hands enthusiastically. I got the picture.

(A side note: I think it suggests that Asian people's superb ability to squat (and find it comfortable) may very well start developing from infancy.)

"So he's watching TV while being held over the newspaper, right?" Watch TV... I can't stand that hypnotized look on Kai's face when the TV's on (therefore, the TV is off when Kai's awake). "Then you make this "enn...enn" sound, like the sound babies make when they push the poop out. It won't happen right away, but in 3 or 4 weeks, your son will pee and poop on the newspaper." he gave me a "I promise" look.

Okay... this is the weirdest advice I've gotten so far, but I was intrigued. "Then what?"

"Then you won't need to spend money on diapers anymore. They're expensive! All you need to do is to put newspapers down, and your son will know that's where he goes potty."

I kissed Kai on the top pf his head and said (quietly in English), "Wanna start pooping on the newspaper like a puppy?" Ah! I crack myself up sometimes.

"But..." I was just asking more questions for shits and giggles at this point. "how do I get him to go from pooping on the newspaper to pooping in the toilet." I had an answer in mind and I was trying very hard not to just burst out laughing.

"You gradually move the newspaper closer to the bathroom and eventually on the toilet seat." the cab driver answered earnestly.In my head, I was going: You've GOT TO be shitting me (no pun intended)! That was the answer I had in mind!

"I'm telling you," the cab driver continued, "if you do it with the little potty thing, he won't be able to do it until he's 3 or 4. Think about how much money you can save from not buying diapers? I mean, one diaper alone is like NT$10, right? And how many do you go through in a day? At least 10. So that's NT$100 a day. And a newspaper is only NT$15, and there are so many pages it will last you an entire day and more."

That is a valid point. Nonetheless... I can't treat my son like a puppy.

"Try it! You'll thank me later." We got the cab driver's personal guarantee as we got out of his car.