Originally I had thought maybe I could attempt natural birth, but after the consultation, I started leaning more toward an elective C-Section.
A few factors are at play here. First, every surgery brings along a certain extent of adhesion. After my very first surgery, for instance, a section (approx. 10 cm) of my small bowel had to be removed because it was adhered to the abdominal wall. Because of this, the second-look surgery was 7 hours long. Dr. Sanders' concern is that, if we decide to attempt vaginal birth and later have to have an emergency C-Section, the possibility of having to deal with adhesion before they can get to the baby may prolong the process, which may put the baby in danger since I will have already gone into labor, which also means the baby will be under stress.
The second factor to consider is what we should do to ensure cancer doesn't return. Since we have agreed that this is the last baby we'll have, suggestion from various doctors is to take everything out. If we are going to take everything out, we might as well choose to have a C-Section so we can kill two birds at once.
But are we going to take everything out?
My husband, a typical man, asked what's gonna happen to my (lack of) sex drive after losing both of my ovaries. He worries if this would signify the end of our sex life. I, on the other hand, cry over what it means to me to lose the ovary that survived cancer and changed our lives and what it means to lose my womanhood completely at the tender age of 40.
A side note: It's really very silly that I have such strong feelings and attachment to an ovary. I mean, most women go through their entire lives never thinking about theirs or simply hating them for menstrual cramps...... You know what it is......? I shouldn't have named it. It should've been kept to be known as "an ovary" and nothing more.
TOO LATE NOW!
My leftover left ovary... even just typing the name brings back memories of the fears and joys I've experienced in the last five years. It's the ovary that went through chemotherapy and gave us two children, yet it could also be a ticking time bomb that resides in my body. It's the last indicator of my womanhood, yet it could also be a threat to my life. Losing it means a lot more than just losing my sex drive (not that losing my sex drive isn't a big deal on its own already).
Maybe I should change the way I talk and think about it. Maybe instead of taking a victim's role and saying that I'm losing it, I should be more of a go-getter and start saying that I'm getting rid of it. It's a choice after all, not something that just happens to me. I'll give this approach a shot for a while and see if I can change how I feel about it.
My next appointment to discuss my birthing option and the future of my womanhood is November 7.
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