Mommy Guilt

The difficulty of having a toddler and a newborn is that the toddler sees opportunities to exercise his will when his parents are so sleep deprived that they themselves don't have any wills left. The end result is that we become short, easily-irritated, and impatient. I beat myself up every night after Kai has finally fallen asleep for how many times I shouted KAI, NO, STOP IT, or any combination of the three at the little boy's face. I know I'm not mad at him all the time, but it certainly feels like I'm always unhappy with him. Sometimes when I check up on him in the middle of the night, I realize I didn't say I LOVE YOU to him before he went to sleep. The guilt cuts deep into my heart. I tell myself I'm not going to yell at him... until he becomes a little turd again.

Bill reported the conversation they had when they were coming home int he car today and, even though it was funny to a certain extent, after playing it over and over in my head long after they got home, I have to say it's a bit hard to bear the guilt. Have I become that mom? The mom who appears to be mean and annoyed at her kid(s). The mom who doesn't always do things with and out of love?!

Here's the conversation. You tell me.

K: I wanna watch Cars.
B: We'll have to talk to mommy about it.
K: Is mommy happy?
B: What?
K: No want to tell mommy if mommy no happy. Mommy want medicine or a band-aid? To feel better?

My son was asking his father is I was in a bad mood today because if I was, he wouldn't want to ask me if he could watch Cars. Then he started thinking of ways to make me feel better so that I would let him watch cars.

What does this imply? Wat kind of a mother am I in my son's eyes?